plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
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