The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
