you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i've created a new STD.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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