Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
