you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
