hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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