I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
