I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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