I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
