If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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