Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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