Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
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