if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
