Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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