Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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