i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize