Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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