If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
