I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
