You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
