So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
