I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
