his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
