The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
