her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
