the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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