Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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