I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
