she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
