just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Randomize
