i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize