When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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