You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
