I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
