just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
