so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
