Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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