What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
