she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She's the barista slut.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
