i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
