I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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