You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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