So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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