We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
