Sry I called you an 8
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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