girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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