i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
