Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So much Jack, so little girl.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
