Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
