Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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