got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
